It has been a matter in dispute among naturalists, in what manner the animal which is the subject of this lecture ought to be classed; and although no person can have a higher idea of his own abilities than the humble individual who is now addressing you, yet I am afraid it will require some future prodigy, greater and more learned even than myself, effectually to set at rest this grand question.

That this animal, viz. the Dandy, is a branch of the class Mammalia, does not admit of a doubt; and some naturalists have gone so far as to suppose it a sub-species of the genus Ноmo Sapiens; but as this latter definition will admit of some argument, I deem it right to abandon it, and substitute one entirely new, and which, in future ages, when this frame is mouldering in the dust, will probably go by the name of the Pigtailion classification.

This grand discovery has arisen from a conviction in my own mind, that the creature in question is no more a production of nature, than is a yew tree clipped into the form of a dumb waiter, or a Bengal tiger; and that it is to be considered solely as a manufactured article, taking into consideration the external part solely, without reference to its contents.

The proof of this is easy and satisfactory. Nothing more is requisite than carefully to divest an individual of this species of the whole of its external covering, either by singeing, scrubbing, or any other method which may be supposed most agreeable to the subject.

When this operation is properly performed, the residue will be, beyond all doubt, the two-legged animal without feathers, of Plato, or a specimen of the genus Homo, order Primates, class Mammalia, of Linnaeus.

This experiment effectually proves that the covering of this animal is not given by nature, as it may be removed (if the operation be skilfully performed) without any pain whatever, and the particles of it, if examined even by a microscope, will be found not to bear the least resemblance to any known substance of the animal, vegetable, or mineral kingdoms.

The erroneousness of all former classifications being thus clearly shown, I shall next proceed to show how it ought to be classed.

The striking affinity which its distinguishing parts exhibit to many articles, the produce of the loom or workshop, determined me to attempt to class it under the different heads of fine, superfine, double and treble refined; and for this purpose I took up my abode, for I some time, at each of the celebrated towns of Manchester and Birgingham (properly Bremycham) in order to acquire the peculiar phraseology in which the inhabitants of those enlightened towns describe the various qualities of their manufacturers; but the difficulties I met with were so great, that I was almost obliged to give op the task in despair, when an unexpected circumstance hastened my tardy resolution of leaving their contagious atmosphere.

It seems the inhabitants of the ancient and enlightened town of Manchester had, for some time, viewed me with suspicion, as a “foreigner come from abroad,” in order to learn the mode in which the British manufactures are carried on. Yes! I say, mistook me; me! Polonius Pigtail, Professor of Nonsense of the University of Gottingen,, for a printer of calicoes or a weaver of fustians.

Their suspicions gathered strength from various occurrences, until at length, oneday, while I was deeply engaged in the admiration of a lot of calicoes and was listening with intent curiosity to the owner expanding upon their merits, they seized me, and hurried me to the pump, whence I only escaped with the total loss of my professorial wig, and was in imminent danger of losing my life.

Leaving my trusty and well-beloved wig, without which I felt as if separated from all that is dear to me in this world, in the hands of these worse than barbarian, I wandered I know not whither; and was, at last, awakened from my reverie by a voice which addressed me, as nearly as I can recollect, in the following words: , “Ya hip, whooa; your honour for Liverpool? Gently, Smiler; , best coach on road, your honour. Whooa, aw whooa.” , Looking up, I perceived the person who addressed me in this strange manner was mounted on the box of a coach; and, learning what he meant more from his motions than his words, and anxious to be removed as far as possible from the scene of my woes, I suffered myself to be persuaded to ascend the vehicle, and absorbed in my own reflections, I noticed nothing until I found myself safely deposited at the Saracen’s Head, Dale-street, Liverpool.

Here the strangeness of my appearance collected a numerous assemblage to gaze at the “French gentleman,” as the coachman denominated me; and what was my astonishment to behold in the crowd the well-known visage of my friend Terence O’Puff, Esq.

Petrified with surprize, we remained motionless for several minutes; and, at last, with a burst of joy, fell into each other’s arms, when a copious flood of tears gave vent to the various emotions which agitated my frame.

After briefly explaining to my friend the cause of my sudden appearance, we retired to his lodgings, where after replacing my lost wig with a bear-skin foraging-cap (Heul quantum mutatus ab illo) we consulted ovег a jug of the Real Inishowen, upon the best method of raising the ways and means. , The plan of giving lectures on my favourite study was judged the most likely to succeed; and with its beneficial effects I shall have the honour of acquainting you in my next lecture, when I will also continue the classification which, with my usual facility of digression I have almost lost sight of, but which shall be resumed next week; when I shall make such a display of my erudition as shall astonish my auditory, who are not acquainted with the inexhaustible stores of learning which I possess.

With a heart full of gratitude for the liberal support I have already experienced, I for the present take my leave, remaining

Your most ardent admirer,
POLONIOUS PIGTAIL,
Prof. Nons. Univ. Göttin.

Quoted from: The Kaleidoscope, or, Literary and Scientific Mirror. Vol. 2 Liverpool, 1822: 142.