On the Classification of Dandies, III

• Posted by mgr on April 26th, 2008 filed in Zeitdokumente
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ON THE CLASSIFICATION OF DANDIES.

Comparisons are invidious; and, for this reason alone, I withhold from drawing a parallel between my own system and those of Linnaeus, Cuvier, and all the other minor zoologists. While their classifications labour under the disadvantage of only discriminating the genera, by certain innocent peculiarities in the teeth, toes, &c. the principal characteristics of my orders are written in the most legible manner upon the very front of the animal itself, to as to be intelligible to the most ordinary capacities, even to minds nine hundred degrees lower in the scale of intelligence than my own, and five hundred below that of Sir lsaac Newton, or any other of the poets.

But to come at once to the point; or, as my friend Mr. Robert Gregson would elegantly express it, “to come up to the scratch,” the fundamental feature of my system is, that the NECKCLOTH is made the leading character of the order, which is divided into two genera, the Dandus Sericatus, or silken-clothed D. Dandy; and the D. Xylintatus, or cotton-clothed D. These naturally resolve themselves into seven species: the D. Sericati into two; the D. Bellicosus, or military D. remarkable for hie cravat of black; and the D. Belluinus, or Ruffian D. distinguished by his cloth of blue, or bird’s-eye silk.

The five species into which the second genus is divided, are, of those having starched cloths: the D. Rigidus, or effeminate D. whose neck is without creases; the D. Corinthinus, or Corinthian D. the surface of whose starcher is varied by one or more folds; and the D. Saltator, or Ball-room D. whose cravat is of greater expanse than either of the preceding; but is, by some, supposed to be merely a variety, occasioned by difference of situation, as the arctic hares change their colour from the change of temperature.

Of the unstarched there are two species: the D. Awriga, or Coachman D. whose “fogle”* consists of a vast roll; and the D. Rusticus, or Sportsman D. whose roll, or pudding, is of much less magnitude, and formed of various coloured muslin. All these neckcloths admit of two varieties of collars: the “jowl brackets,” whose upper boundary is a semicircle; and the “chin saucers,” of which, the anterior extremities are angles more or less acute, at the pleasure of the wearer; but these cannot be considered of any use in determining the species, owing to their extremely variable form.

The cloth, therefore, and the cloth only, is the true mark by which the species of the animal is to be discovered. That there is an appropriate style of dress for each, I shall not deny. What it is I shall proceed to show in my lecture “on fashion in general, as connected with dress;” after the delivery of which, any one guilty of appearing in an anomalous dress, may immediately be shot by the fortunate discoverer, as a monster, and not under the protection of the game-laws.

From the frequent oscitations, and appeals to their chronometers, which I have observed among my audience, together with various other little attentions, which it is customary for a polite company to pay to a lecturer, the end of whose lecture is drawing near, I presume the present discourse has occupied sufficient time; but I trust I shall be allowed to say a few words upon what ought to have been my subject.

The small portion of my auditory who are awake, will find, upon referring to my prospectus, that the present lecture ought to be upon good and bad habits. Ought, do I say! I affirm that it is so. I have been teaching by example; which, I have the authority of the proverb for saying, is more forcible than precept. Few of you will be sufficiently valiant to deny that my habits of digression are unequivocally bad; and none will be rash enough to affirm, that my good habits of speaking humbly of myself are not equally evident.

In these sentiments (which, of course, are those of the present company) I myself coincide; and if any one should be so totally devoid of sense and reason as to presume to differ from you, nothing will give so much pleasure to me as to give an opportunity of handing down to posterity the fame of the champion who shall throw down the gauntlet, and do battle, in support of his opinion. Nay, were it not that it would be inconsistent with my peaceful character, I myself would gladly officiate as second in the deadly field.

Not, at present, wishing to “take the lead” in a transaction of this nature, I shall now retire to my attic mansion, where, remote from the noises of the lower world, resides your obedient servant,

POLONIUS PIGTAIL,
Prof. Nons. Univ. Gottin.

* Vide Cant Dictionary

Quoted from: The Kaleidoscope, or, Literary and Scientific Mirror. Vol. 2 No. 73. Liverpool, 1822: 155.

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