This creature has long been known in England, and upon the continent, though hitherto regarded as a rarity in Scotland. Of late, however, they have become wonderfully common: and you will now meet with one or more of them in almost every street.

Some of the superior kinds I have even seen in what may be called good Society; and these I have observed generally succeed astonishingly well in imitating the conduct and manners of men, in most things – especially where no exercise of mind is required: though, at the same time, it must be confessed, that there is always such an odd peculiarity in all they do or say, that their imitation is but a ludicrous one at the best.

Indeed the minister of our parish (who by the by, is not lame at a conjecture) is said to be of opinion, that the din of war having roused them from their native wilds, they have been permitted to come forth among mankind in such numbers, as a living satire on the overacted politeness and delicacy of an effeminate and luxurious age.

Zoologists, I understand, are chiefly divided between two opinions. Some will have it that the Dandies are most nearly allied to the Ape, and find this to be proved by the most prominent features in their character; alleging that the following description of Apish manners, is, in every respect, applicable to them all. “These animals, when tamed, are of a mild and tractable disposition. They mimic the smiles and frowns of their masters; and imitate all the forms of salutation used by them. In their general manners they are frolicsome and sagacious: but when taken in a state of wildness, they bite furiously in self-defence.” – Others, in opposition, contend that the single word sagacious is enough to prevent the appropriation of the whole description; and these have no doubt in their own minds, after a careful comparison of the most exact and best authenticated drawings, that the animal in question can be nothing else than a well-trained Gibboon, which, as we all know, is a native of India, and forms the intermediate chain between the Monkey and the Ourang-Outang.

For my own part, however, I rather think (though I would by no means pronounce positively in a case so doubtful; that the Dandy, in all his varieties, from the Exqusite, down to the common Puppy, and from the beardless youth, up to the hoary-headed Rake, is, after all, a being of our own species. Nor in this conjecture do I intend to help myself out by farther supposing, as some do, that the creature is a Hermaphrodite , neither man nor woman , but compounded of both: though to be sure this supposition is no way injured by the notorious fact, that he has neither the manly qualities of the one, nor the least pretence to the delicacy, and innocent purity, of the other: since these qualities, for ought we know, may have been altogether omitted, as not necessary, in his formation.

But the ground of my hypothesis is this. When stript of his coat and corsets, (as I and other medical men, have had occasion to see him) the Dandy does not seem to differ more widely from an ordinary man, than many poor wretches do, whom profligacy and disease, have miserably deformed: and, if you inquire more minutely into his history, without puzzling your brains about zoological distinctions, I think the absurd peculiarities of his mental phenomena, may easily be accounted for.

You must not forget that he has either been raised up suddenly by the vicissitudes of trade or war from the lowest ranks in society, and really has had no opportunity to know any thing beyond the narrow path he has been accustomed to move in: Or, if born to better advantage, he is naturally so devoid of sense and ability, as to be almost incapable of moral or intellectual improvement. His mind, in fact is, for long, a perfect blank; and quite ready for the reception of all that is filthy, or trifling, or rediculous. Now in these circumstances, let him have but the usual share of self-conceit, and, like heated air in a bladder, it will fill the whole man. Give him besides an idle companion, and a single guinea, and he will soon find his way to the lowest sink of licentiousness. And, to complete his character, add but a simple desire of being distinguished among others of the “same kidney,” and, if you look in at the key-hole of his chamber, you will see him now frizzing his hair , girding his waist , lolling in his glass , and practising, with business-like concern, the most absurd and childish fooleries; and in due time (perhaps in about two hours and a half,) there will issue forth frizzed, girded, and grinning, the very creature we have been talking of, viz. a complete and perfect DANDY!

Let the YOUTH, therefore, of respectable and manly character, beware bow they swerve from the honourable paths of simplicity and virtue in imitation of a creature so silly, and so despicable. And, while the Dandies, alike insensible to mutual derision, and a world’s contempt, are pleased to crawl about, like locusts, withering the green leaf of our national health, be it your constant endeavour to follow the example of the wise and the good, that you each in your own place, may grow up in moral strength and honesty, and be ready to succeed those useful members of the community, who are now, in reality, the firmest, and brightest pillars of British Independence.

FORCEPS

Edinburgh, 12th October, 1818.

Quoted from: The Kilmarnock mirror, and literary gleaner. Vol. 1. No II, November 1818: 60-62.