AN EXAMINATION OF A CANDIDATE FOR A DEGREE.

We understand from very excellent authority, that an University is about to be instituted in the neighbourhood of Berkeley Square, where the old-fashioned qualifications of classical and scientific learning are to be dispensed with, and where nothing will be taught save the stiffening of cravats, the cutting out of collars, and other equally indispensable qualifications of a modern accomplished gentleman. The following is by anticipation our examination of a candidate for the degree of Bac. Dand,

Q. Repeat the articles of your faith?

A. I believe in the infallibility of Stultz. The omnipotence of starch in cravats. The exclusiveness of Almack’s. The fit of Hoby. The memory of Brummell.

Q. What is the meaning of the word, World?

A. The place we live in, that is, a circle round Grosvenor Square, which a well educated horse might complete in nine minutes and fifteen seconds.

Q. If the exertion be not too much, enumerate what you consider the world to be composed of?

A. Imprimis., One sun,, one moon,, myself,, my coat,, and an indefinite number of men, women, and brutes.

Q. Granting these you have mentioned to be the most important objects in it, which do you consider the next?

A. My tailor.

Q. What is the aggregate number of the population of the world?

A. There were two hundred and thirty at Almack’s on the last evening.

Q. What is the utmost extent of time to which a man of fashion may enjoy an intimacy?

A. From the introductory bend of the neck, to the presentment of the fore-finger; which, in cases of extraordinary excitement, has taken up a space of half an hour.

Q. Do you consider it consonant to the laws of fashion to acknowledge an intimacy at the breaking up of a rout, which was formed at the beginning of the evening?

A. I have heard of such things, but question their correctness.

Q. In what do you believe the climax of human atrocity consists.

A. To bow to a man, to whom one never has been properly introduced.

Q. Admitting that it is perfectly correct in an exclusive enjoying an intimacy, had you ever a friend?

A. Yes; the most intimate I ever possessed, I dined with twice, and was seen with him for nearly a whole season in public, and recognized him at Almack’s with a wrinkle in his shirt,, but I lost him, (sighs deeply.)

Q. What was the occasion of your parting?

A. It was suspected that his valet malted,* and wore cotton stockings in the morning.

Q. Taking it for granted that you believe it possible for a man to possess a bad character, give me your opinion what you should consider to be the vilest?

A. (Indignantly.), A. wretch who drank port wine, sent up his plate a second time for soup, used his tooth-pick more than once, that was detected before sunset in a white cravat, or some other equal atrocity.

Q. Can you believe it probable, that a being so lost to every sense of decency and humanity can be in existence?

A. (Mysteriously.), I have heard it so suspected.

Q. Is it agreeable to the reputation of an exclusive to marry?

A. Only upon the condition that he never sees his wife.

Q. Did you ever premeditate matrimony?

A. I had once a tender connection, [Jerome, my mille fleurs,] a being fraught with grace and loveliness; one, to the flounce of whose petticoat one might kneel with superstitious veneration, the extent of whose waist was irreproachable, from the pointing of whose shoe there was no appeal.

Q. Was your attachment mutual?

A. To a miracle, my valet lost his appetite, and her lady’s maid grew thin!, (Despondingly.)

Q. You vowed eternal constancy, truth, and affection; swore that your love could be neither annihilated by time or distance; spoke of the disinterestedness of your views, and enquired whether her property was landed or vested in government securities?

A. My affection was so great, that it nearly absorbed my respect for etiquette; but I gave instructions to my lawyer, who declared my passion to her family solicitor.

Q. Did you before the solemnization of your nuptials, or the final denouement, ever see the lady?

А. I will not be positive; but believe upon one occasion I caught a glimpse of her figure.

Q. As you have described the attachment to be ardent to an extraordinary degree, may I enquire in what extremity your passion seduced you into?

A. Our lawyers carried on a flirtation, and proposed the terms of the settlement, and I looked out for a wedding coach.

Q. If the recital would not be too much for your feelings, make me acquainted with the reasons why an alliance that gave every promise of future happiness and conjugal bliss, never went further than preliminaries?

A. I was nearly falling a sacrifice, but was saved from the brink of destruction by a fortunate though awful discovery.

Q. Do not exert yourself by repeating too much at once; endeavour to compose yourself, and inform us what it was?

A. The day my solicitor had obtained a special license, while my soul was revelling in all the joyous emotion of hope, fanned into certainty, it was hinted, that the tenderest object of my enthusiastic regard, the future partner of my name and parties, the fond idol of my bewildered soul, had actually consummated a supper with a steel fork !!!, (Faints.) Examination continued.

Q. I will no longer put a trial on your feelings by dwelling on these tender topics: do you know an individual called the king?

A. The person Brummel introduced into notice? Yes, I think I have heard there was such a man.

Q. Presuming that he is still in existence, is he one whom you could, without violence to your feelings, speak to in public?

A. (After a pause) It would depend upon what company I saw him in.

Q. Can you read?

A. (Looks surprised) I believe I could if I were to try. I have heard it said that my footman does.

Q. If, upon some extraordinary occasion, it would be necessary for a gentleman to swear, what would be the form of the oath?

A. (Solemnly) By the memory of Brummell’s cravat.

Q. At what time of the day is it decorous for a man of fashion to be visible?

A. An hour before sunset, when the world is sufficiently aired for a gentleman to indulge in a morning ride or walk.

Q. As fashion confers but a qualified immortality, what would be your dying wish?

A. That my grave-clothes would be of the finest muslin; and that no vulgar fellows, who were suspected of indulging in gin or tobacco, would carry my coffin.

Q. From the acuteness of your replies to the various questions with which I have troubled you, I feel convinced you must have seen much of the world. Allow me to ask you, have you any belief of its extending beyond the region you first mentioned?

A. I once caught a glimpse of a place called Oxford Street.

Q. Did you gratify your curiosity to notice whether it was inhabited or not, or were you prevented?

A. I was, by a monster.

Q. Describe it, was it in the form of a man, a dragon, or a rhinoceros?

A. I am unable to form an opinion of its nature, but it wore a collar to its shirt, its shoe ribbons unironed, and, oh! (a glass of distilled water, or I shall faint) a human countenance without whiskers.

Q. Did you escape without injury?

A. I caught cold from the naked appearance of its face**.

Q. If I am not fatiguing you with too many questions, perhaps you will inform me whether you are acquainted with the situation of a place, island, or peninsula, called Russell Square, which was added to our dominions by our worthy friend, Mr. Croker, in a voyage of discoveries which he made in the year 1825 ?

A. I take particular pride in replying, that I was one of the chosen individuals who accompanied the adventurous traveller on that most perilous and enterprising expedition.

Q. Perhaps you will favor the Court of Examiners with the particulars of the discovery, and a brief description of the savages or indigites of the soil of this new acquisition.

A. With pleasure. I have a journal of the remarkable incidents which I invariably keep near my person, and, according to your request, will read it.

TНE DISCOVERY OF RUSSELL SQUARE.

The conditions of our enterprise having been finally arranged, and our instructions delivered, sealed by the Lords of the Admiralty, after a few months preparation we were enabled to commence our adventurous career. Prayers having been put up for our safe return, our wills having been made, and in case of our never arriving from

“that undiscovered country (Russell Square),
From whence (it was dreaded) no traveller returns,”

our property secured, as well as handsome annuities to our wives and children, we embarked on board the Admiralty yacht from Whitehall Stairs. Here a scene that would have melted the heart of a stoic took place. The difficulties and horrors of our campaign, the melancholy fates of Mungo Park, Bruce, and Captain Cook, the agonizing consequences of starvation, cannibalism, and vulgarity, which we were likely to encounter in these unknown regions, were depicted in their most vivid and powerful colors. But each of us was a Roman, a Columbus, prepared to stand or fall in the service of his country. The vessel left the shores amidst the tears, groans, and perfumed handkerchiefs of the surrounding multitude; so heart-rending were our adieux, that three officers of the guards, overcome by the afflicting crisis, went into strong hysterics, and were obliged to have their stay-laces cut. Standing on the poop of the vessel with a white handkerchief in one glove, and a bottle of Eau de Cologne in the other, we waved farewell to our friends, and, as the last vestige of their whiskers disappeared from our sight, a sad presentiment filled our minds that it was for ever. The gloom that this afflicting idea naturally cast round us had scarcely subsided, before we were violently seized with the sea sickness (the tide running up then very strongly), but by a prompt application of a cordial, with which our considerating friends and relatives had provided us, we soon recovered sufficiently to enjoy the novelty of our situation. Groups of beings, wearing the form and countenances of men, though most barbarously disguised, occasionally passed us in what we supposed to be canoes, saluting us in an unknown and discordant tone. Our voyage concluded at a point which, we have since been informed, was discovered by a noble lord in a sailing expedition, where he was driven by adverse winds and tides, and baptised by him “Waterloo Bridge,” after a certain victory obtained by the ancient Britons some time previous to the flood. Having landed, we were immediately surrounded by a native tribe of a warlike and barbarous aspect, being in almost a primitive dress, having only the lower part of their persons covered. The appearance of their skin was most remarkable; it was intersected by blue seams, as if nature had supplied them with a shirt of her own formation, for not the slightest appearance of muslin or cambric was visible. The name of this horde of barbarism is, as we were afterwards informed, in their native patois, Scullers, and from the circumstance of their appearing peculiar to the river and its banks, the Professor of Natural History, whom we carried with us, after six months of elaborate investigation, declared them to be members of the animal kingdom, of a species between the alligator and crocodile, and peculiar to the soil. After a most minute inspection of our dress and habiliments, which apparently excited in their simple breasts the most intense curiosity, we were suffered to depart, happily without experiencing any injury or annoyance, save that which arose from an odour (particularly villainous), which arose from certain cavities in their faces, which served the creatures for mouths; and which odours, we have since discovered, was the effluvia caused by masticating a noxious herb, also peculiar to the soil, called by the natives bассо or quid, the real name we unfortunately could not discover.

Previously to our progression from this station, we had an opportunity of seeing, what our naturalist has declared to be since, the female Sculler, bearing in her paws, or arms, one of its young. It is an animal of hardly any perceptible distinction from the male Sculler, save that it has longer hair on the head, and a total or partial absence of that excrescence from the chin and upper lip. Our suspicion that the whole race were cannibals, was confirmed by an accident, through which we were nearly deprived of the inestimable life of our most enterprising and worthy commander, Mr. Crofton Croker. As strangers to the soil, it was particularly our wish, as well as that of the authorities we represented, to reconcile our visits to the natives; and accordingly our highly beloved friend, with his proverbial resolution, consented to take the office upon himself, intending, by way of conciliation, to chuck the young of the Sculler under its chin, the juvenile savage at once assured us of his anthropophigical propensity, by making a snap at the fingers of the honorable secretary, and, what was more horrible, at those of his favorite hand. Fortunately, the prompt assistance of myself and the rest of the party, prevented its carrying its sanguinary wish into execution, and we had the gratification of preserving a life so dear to his country, so inestimable in the discovery of science, and the stiffening of calico for cravats.

After a reference to our geographical charts, we took our seats in our stanhopes, being preceded by Mr. Croker’s travelling chariot, a detachment of the Lancers, by way of security, two interpreters, a guide, and a surgeon, in case of casualties. By the instructions of the guide we steered in a direction N.E.E., and as we proceeded farther into the country, the barbarity and uncivilization become more apparent. Crossing a swamp called the Strand, we arrived at a native settlement called Drury Lane, inhabited by a horde infinitely more barbarous and rude than the tribe by which we were accosted on landing. The indigites of this soil, in ferscity of appearance, exceeded all our previous idea of savage life. They are generally tattooed, but the crevices in their skin, instead of variegated colours as the savages of the South Seas, seemed to be filled up by a composition much resembling dirt. They had, however, no tomahawks, nor implements of a warlike description, nor were any of them dressed in skins; although some of them had the hide of a beast hanging from their waist downwards, which appeared their only covering, and we understand is called by them, leathern apron.

Passing by a native wigwam, which we found in our maps defined as Vinegar Yard, we were surrounded by a motley and terrific group of the inhabitants, both male and female. Of their sexes we were in great doubt, especially of those which carried on their heads a kind of wicker basket, in which were a quantity of fish, of whose genus our naturalist declared himself perfectly ignorant. As we had often heard of the simplicity of man when undefiled by a knowledge of the world, of his hospitality, and his overflowing milk of human kindness, and feeling besides exhausted from the length and difficulties of our journey, we determined upon putting these fabled attributes to the proof. Holding up his stick, as an emblem of peaceable intentions, and backed by two of the Lancers, he advanced, and enquired for the hut of their chief, and requested, as we were much exhausted, they would oblige us with a small quantity of their ava, and a few of their native yams. As they seemed unable to detect his meaning, which we endeavoured to make more palpable, by all of us at the same time advancing, simultaneously putting our fingers down our mouths, and rubbing our stomachs, in order to have our urgent necessities immediately gratified.

Instead of our wants having been anticipated, as we had naturally supposed, the whole tribe immediately set up a discordant yell. Believing that we were still misunderstood, we resolved on asking for food, and assuring them of our peaceable intentions in all the languages we were masters of. One of the lancers who had, during foreign service, picked up a few expressions of the Cherokee Indians, and also a knowledge of their habits, proposed addressing them. A consultation being held, and the result being favorable, he advanced; and in the Cherokian language asked for food, invoking at the same time the great spirit, which he did by spitting on his hands (an Indian custom), and holding up his right foot for the purpose of his auditor kissing it, as a token of conciliation. The person whom he addressed, in an uncouth but certainly melodious language answered in these words:

“Dom hà«w-à«r hà¯à«s, gà¯à« us none o hew-er jaw.***

Another, whom I had willingly intreated in my native tongue for a place of shelter, answered in the following couplet, which convinced me of the truth of the supposition of Mr. Thomas Campbell, the intended lecturer of poetry to the London University, that mankind in an aboriginal state is essentially poetical, and express their ideas either in rhythmical or figurative language.

HaÑ… hay-bout
Au find it hout:

Others shouted with a peculiar strength of longs, Bedlam! Bedlam! ha! ha! These words appeared to be instantly caught up by the surrounding groupes, and communicated like wild-fire amongst the different tribes, which by this time had increased to an alarming magnitude. Horror struck, the idea entered our minds, that the war whoop had been sounded, and as we actually saw many scalping knives in the hands of the barbarians, we concluded we should be brutally massacred. Resigning ourselves to the protection of Providence, we breathed a short and hurried prayer, beseeching, that if we fell a sacrifice to the blood-thirsty savages, and were roasted and eaten alive, that He would protect our widows and fatherless babes, who would see what remained of our bones decently interred. Scarce had we risen after the delivery of this prayer, when one of the female barbarians, with a wild ferocity gleaming from her eyes, and a grin which spoke the darkness of her intent, swore by Jingo (the name we understand of the idol they worship,) that she would have a “buss.” Seizing upon Mr. Croker, who, as your honor are well aware, is of a small and particularly delicate make, she uttered aloud, that he was “so spick and span, and so nice a tit-bit, she could eat him.” By the savage glee with which she strained him in her arms, and the awful extension of her jaws, we presumed she was about to carry her threat into execution, for when the tremendous gulph was opened, our beloved secretary did not seem to be above a respectable mouthful! Advancing as near as we dare approach, with tears in our eyes, we bade him adieu, and conjured him to deliver his dying request, solemnly promising that should one of us escape to be the survivor, he should carry it to his widow. At this instant, our commander uttered a piercing cry of agony, on the she-dragon applying her lips to his face, as the anaconda is said to lick her victim over ere she gorges him; whether it was this shriek, or the natural caprice of her sex, we have to thank for his emancipation from her bloody talons, we know not, but she released him without any further outrage, than barbarously disarranging the tie of his neck-cloth. Having secured ourselves against the perpetration of any further atrocity, by a rapid flight, we returned thanks to the power that had preserved to us our beloved leader. Arriving at a settlement, marked out in the maps as Great Russell Street, the marks of civilization became more apparent, particularly when we saw a native approaching in shoes, stockings, and a bona fide pair of breeches; but our surprise was increased on reaching the place of our destination, “Russell Square,” to find very few traces of savage life, and a wigwam of considerable extent, erected in close imitation of our beloved and long-lost homes! Having stopped at a house which had the appearance of being inhabited by a civilized being, our interpreter, in the patois of the country, requested we might be admitted inside, for the sole purpose of judging of the manners and customs of foreign nations. The creature who received our request, was habited much after the same fashion as our footmen, only the wretch, as if to put his vulgarity beyond a doubt, actually wore white cotton stockings, and his hair without powder. Being shown up stairs, we entered a room of considerable dimensions, and our astonishment may be more easily conceived than expressed, on our finding instead of naked beings, squatted cross-legged on mats on the floor, we found them decently attired, and sitting upright in most Christian like and indubitable chairs. The master of the house, a short, fat, and for a savage, an apparently inoffensive man, having by no means a blood-thirsty appearance, made us welcome according to the fashion of the country, which he did by the following ceremony:, -Placing himself about half a yard before us, with both sets of his toes so drawn in as to nearly meet, one of his hands being stuck where his breeches pocket should be placed, he ducked his head and shoulders, (as if he would make a bow,) at the same time drawing one of his feet from the other, and scraping it on the floor; this accomplished, he resumed his former position, muttered some unintelligible words, which sounded like “perdigiously happy,” tucked up the collar of his shirt, (for the wretch actually wore one,) and stalked away.

It is needless to say that we were regarded with symptoms of infinite astonishment by the natives, with whom the room was filled, and who appeared to be mimicking the manners of civilized life, and often calling out words, which we have since understood to be names of liquids peculiar to the country, yiz. “port,” “sherry,” and “lemonade.” Our curiosity being amply gratified, the short fat native, who had at first addressed us, marched up to me, and to my indescribable alarm, offered to introduce me to his daughter, a young savage of about seventeen, who he pointed out sitting in a nearly civilized attitude on a legitimate sofa. Perceiving me shudder at the proposal, for I had heard that the New Zealanders (and other barbarous tribes) sometimes eat of their friends, as well as their enemies, he enquired of me the cause, and fearful of the consequence of exciting the anger of these savages while in their power, I expressed my total willingness to the introduction, and declared that my only objection was, lest she should scratch; upon his assuring me she was perfectly tame, I consented to be led (though like a lamb to the slaughter,) to the couch, praying most fervently, though silently, she would not make a meal of me. What was my horror when the short fat gentleman addressed her with a most horrid wink of the eye, “Poppett, as I know you to be partial to these smart young fellows,”, heavens! she was then addicted to cannibalism, “I have brought you one.” I heard no more, but making up my mind I was to be served up for supper, flew with the utmost rapidity my stays would permit me, when my ears were electrified at the sounds of Stultz and Nugee. I knew not how it was, but the hearing of these words, surrounded as I was by doubt and danger, calmed at once my agitated spirits; like some well remembered air which we have heard in our infancy, stealing over the waste of years and distance, I felt completely overcome by my feelings. Home, and my native land, with a thousand sweet associations of relatives, and all the charms of friendship and love, seemed to accompany the sounds, and I gazed with unqualified mildness on the innocent source of my happiness, who stood gazing in simple wonder at my ill-suppressed surprise. I was nearly fainting, and should have fallen, had it not been for a kind hearted savage in a satin slip, and blond trimmings, bathing my temples with a grateful distillation of otto of roses. The natural reserve of my disposition having been overcome by the force of nature, I proposed to our entertainer, if he would part with his daughter, to take her back with us, and make her a member of the civilized world. He shook his head, and declared his inability to relinquish her; so great do we find the force of parental affection, even in savage life; but upon the approach of his son, an eligible and ductile youth, with a promising pair of whiskers, and irreproachable pantaloons, consented to part with him, declaring that next to his daughter he was the only solace of his life. As the youth bore the name of his tribe, the semi-barbarous cognomen of Simpson, he agreed to accept of that of Lee boo, not only as being more civilized, but expressive of his situation. As he was of an ambitious nature, he had made, unknown to his parent, many excursions towards the west; we therefore agreed to accept of him as our guide; and we left our simple and promising friends, with the assurance of a speedy return: as a pledge, we exchanged one of our cravats, well stiffened and with the Petersham tie, for one of the collars worn by the male, and a flounce of the she savage’s petticoats; promising also to send them on our arrival, a pattern of Lord Harborough’s beard, which approached nearer to savage life, than any other object we could then think of in the civilized world. Not to trespass any further on the time of my honorable listeners, I will merely mention, that we reached Connaught Place without any accident, with the young savage as a trophy, and received the most affectionate welcome on our unexpected and safe return. Prayers were put up the following day at most of the fashionable churches, and a solemn te deum was composed expressly for the occasion. The young savage has already realized the expectation we formed of his docility and capacity; already he speaks our language equal to a native, has ran through the whole of his property, keeps race horses , and has an opera singer under his protection, never pays a bill, and is admitted without a voucher at every hell in the metropolis; has forgot his father’s name, and never hears the unknown region of “Russell Square” mentioned, but inquires, “if that is not the place where the people drink porter, and don’t wear shoes and stockings ?” [It is needless to observe, that after this examination the aspiring candidate for academical honours was admitted without a further question, and is degree of Ð’aс. Dand. was delivered to him with a handsome compliment on his extreme capability.]

Y.

*In English, drank beer.
** Although this asseveration of the honorable gentleman may appear a little hyperbolical, it must not be forgotten that Mr. Brummell experienced the same malady by the negligence of his valet in putting him in a room with a damp stranger.
***These remarkable words have been submitted to the attention of the Royal Academicians of the Literary Society; who, after several meetings, have come to a decision, that they are derivative from the teutonic, and that they express a peculiar invocation te, or denunciation of, the eyes of the party addressed, with a register that be will refrain from further speaking.

Quoted from: The Inspector, Literary Magazine and Review. Vol. 2. London, 1827.