“Neat, trimly dress’d,
Fresh as a bridegroom;,
and still he smil’d, and talk’d.”

Shakspeare.

HAVING recently received the following letter, we hasten to lay it before our readers:

To the Editors of the Microscope.

Gentlemen,, I have the honour to belong to the class of community, usually styled Dandies. This was originally a name of reproach; but no matter for that: we are not particular about what we are called, if folks will only keep their hands off our clothes, and let us peaceably follow our own noses, wherever they may chance to lead us. It gave us great satisfaction to find in your first number, so much of the milk of human kindness; hence you learn the motive to this epistle. We cannot doubt that you will be interested with a slight sketch of the great principles of our conduct and the leading traits of our character.

You must understand then that humility, or a modest estimate of our own merits, lies at the foundation of all our actions. It is indeed the clue to the whole mystery, as you will soon perceive. That every man should in some way be busily employed, in order to prevent Satan from using his cranium as a workshop, and that every one should endeavour to turn his measure of talents, however small, to some good purpose, we hold to be self-evident propositions. We say “however small” his talents are, for certainly a wide difference exists among men in this respect. There is no one characteristic in every thing around us more marked than that of gradation from lower to higher, until you arrive at the last link in the chain of created existence. If you begin at the most shapeless mineral and pass to the most imperfectly organized vegetable body,, and then if, after inspecting in succession the different species of this kingdom, you make a transition to the animal world and rise step by step up to man, that tailless paragon of animals, as my Lord Monboddo will have it;, how regular and how evident is the ascent? So also, if you look around you, and compare your fellow-men with each other; how marked is often times the difference, and how much do some surpass others in intellect? To borrow the poet’s language:

“Order is Heaven’s first law; and this confest,
Some are, and must be, greater than the rest,
More rich, more wise.”

Now it is our desire to get into precisely the nich we are, in this world of gradation, designed to fill. Most of us have, in our bosoms as well as in our past lives, mournful evidence that we are not qualified by our abilities for any useful employment, either mercantile, mechanical or agricultural. Nor have we, as we have pretty good reason to know, such talents as would enable us to excel, or even to keep our heads above water, in any of the professions. Since, therefore, we have not the power to instruct, nor benefit mankind; it is our more humble aim to please the fashionable world, intending by all means to include in this phrase ourselves and most of the ladies. To please the last is a particular object, and this is the key to most of our movements.

Inasmuch as it has been said that women are disposed to regard external appearance more than any other qualities, and as they are usually best pleased with what looks most like their dear selves; it is our desire to excel in beauty of person and to resemble the female world, as much as we can, in dress and form. Unyielding nature seeming to detest this metamorphosis, as much as philosophers say she abhors a vacuum; we have been obliged to call in art to our assistance, and thuswe carry on a kind of approximating process. Hence the origin of Corsets, Stays and Bracers, Hippers, Bishops and Plumpers, and all other machines calculated to increase the beauty and elegance of the form. To give delicacy to the fingers, where nature has not been propitious, the use of long thimbles made for the purpose, and the ingenious expedient of tying up the hands above the head over night, are resorted to with great success. The blood in this way descends into the trunk of the body, and leaves as fine a hand as eyes can wish to look upon. The laudable desire of having a slender and upright neck will explain to you at once the reason why those delightful things, your patent whale-bone Cravat Stiffeners, are so universally sought after by all who have even only a tinge of dandyism in their characters. The above mentioned machinery, being duly balanced and harmoniously set in motion, constitutes that ne plus ultra of action, that desirable of all desirables, the real Dandy Swing.

I feel bound, by a sense of justice, to allude here to one or two slight inconveniences connected with our style of dress. In the case of a person completely accoutred, there is a physical impossibility attending an effort to bend the body in the least degree in any way. Indeed one of the gentlemen, having quickly and incautiously darted his head around to see some object immediatetly in the rear, was absolutely unable to get it back again; and thus, he was, until relieved by a brother, obliged to furnish to gazing by-standers the uncommon spectacle of the nose directed backward, while the feet continued their forward course; for you perceive we cannot always govern our motions, but must at times patiently wait the pleasure of our machinery., Another little difficulty arises from the violence our armour does to the dominion of the throat and stomach. The man who wishes to follow in our steps, must be sparing in his diet. Whoever is determined to eat on all occasions as much as appetite and nature crave, and is also unwilling to suffer a trifling inconvenience in the articles of swallowing and breathing, had better let our trappings alone. – In warm weather also, it is very frying for delicate frames to sustain the burden of so much padding and wadding and stuffing as is absolutely necessary to our proper appearance.

I must relate to you an accident that befel me not long since which, (notwithstanding all the sang froid we profess to have respecting every thing of the kind;) I must say, caused me inexpressible chagrin and mortification. I was tripping gayly, down Chapel-street, conscious that I was the subject of admiration to two elegant young ladies who were walking just behind me. The ground was covered with ice; but thoughtless of danger, I practised the true Dandy swing with all my might, but alas, sir, in an unlucky moment iny feet slipped, I lost my balance, and in a twinkling found myself flat upon my back. I could not bend my body an inch, my bracers rendered my arms almost useless and, my cravat-stiffener being new and firm, I could not raise my head from the ground. I lay sprawling in this woful predicament, throwing my feet into the air and using my arms as well as I could, till fortunately I bethought myself of a plan which finally succeeded. This was no other than to roll till I could get to something to assist me in rising; accordingly I rolled over and over till I came along side of a fence, where I at last made out to my inexpressible joy to place myself once more upon my feet, having received no other personal damage than breaking two or three ribs, of my corsets. But I have not yet told you the horrible extent of my mortification. As the young ladies (charming, looking girls,) passed me, convulsed with laughter, I heard one say, “Pride never had a more complete fall.” The other replied, “I suspect there is very little ballast where any thing upsets so easily. Poor fellow, I hope his bush of hair behind, has kept his head from smashing.” But I forbear to disclose to you the whole of this ugly matter, and you will excuse me for desiring to hasten back to my principal subject.

It has been often observed in our company, that females are prone to like light talk; or in other words, that no beaus and husbands are, in their view, more neglectful and inattentive to ladies than your mere matter-of-fact business-men; and that no visitors are more irksome and absolutely intolerable than your learned book-worms, who are constantly broaching ideas. Hence loquacity, or the power of talking ad infinitum on nothing; and the faculty of rarifying and spreading the smallest possible quantity of sense over the greatest possible surface,, are considered indispensable to all who aspire to our desirable rank in society.

Thus much for our efforts to please the fair. As a slight corroborative evidence that we are a well disposed and an inoffensive class of people; we would here mention that we are all to a man applicants for admission into the peace-societies, which have been so happily set on foot in our land. We lay no claim to the evangelical and highly benevolent motives that originated these institutions; our interest in them being of a more personal character, and having a direct reference to our own dear selves: What can be more ungenteel, masculine and savage than for gentlemen to be employed in soiling and tearing each others clothes, or in scratching and disfiguring each others faces? It is well enough to splutter and bluster, and even quarrel a little; but away with your fighting.

It is an old and true remark that women become more refined in proportion to the advancement of civilization in a country. Now in what terms shall we be able fully to describe the height of civilization to which that nation must have arrived, which can give, not only among its females but among the men, such specimens of refinement as we can furnish? We shall not surely hereafter hear any more European inuendos about American barbarism.

Well now, dear Mic, after this exposition of our views and principles, we shall be anxious to hear what you have to say. Can we possibly fail of pleasing fashionable women in the highest degree?

Your friend, &c. CONCINNUS.

Quoted from: The Microscope, April 1820.