“United, we stand.”

We have received a second communication from Concinnus, and, without further preface, lay it before our readers:

Respected Friends,

In a former letter I gave you a sketch of the prominent traits of our character, but refrained from alluding at all to the ungenerous treatment we are constantly receiving from the rest of the sex. Notwithstanding our being universally acknowledged to be a well-disposed pacifick class of gentlemen, still sneers, ridicule and satire have been most bountifully heaped upon our heads. Now if we know our own hearts, we do not indulge the least grain of ill-will towards such as have been engaged in this cruel business: the only sensations we harbour are those of pity and regret. We are sorry to see men of ingenuity and wit devote their talents to the unwarrantable purpose of injuring the inoffensive and unprotected. We cannot deny that there is a little wit in the invention of the significant names that in various caricatures, (some of which you have doubtless seen) are appropriated to the different parts of the body; but we say that it is illiberal and ill-natured in the highest degree to fix upon our noddles a nickname* that seems to reflect on us as if we were to blame for not having greater and more exalted talents. Surely we cannot be properly censured, because Nature has communicated to us with a sparing hand. It is not our wish to make pretensions to what we do not possess; nor have we any desire to conceal our mental debility, but renewedly cast ourselves upon the mercy and candour of a generous publick.

As if all the efforts that have been made to ridicule and satirise us were not enough, many persons are moreover busily engaged in endeavouring to injure our standing, especially among the mechanical part of the community; and in consequence of this we suffer grievously. To this cause we are doubtless correct in attributing an insulting and brutal piece of violence lately committed on the person of one of our fraternity, Mr. ********. That you may have correct ideas of what constituted the essence of the offence, I will accompany this letter with an engraved Sketch, executed by one, who was himself an eye-witness of the affray. Permit me also to state some of the particulars of the case: they are briefly these. About ten months since our brother had, on the arrival of the latest European fashions, occasion for a new suit, which was immediately furnished by his tailor. The times being rather hard, and his previous expenditures having been much greater than had been anticipated; he for a considerable period neglected to call and settle the demand. The bill was at length sent in. This being unattended to; it was handed in two or three times more. Finally a civil officer was dispatched: on meeting with something of an uncourteous reception when he first addressed our friend, the rascal at once flew into a rage, clasped him around the waist with his right hand, held him up in the air in an impudent manner, and, horrible to relate, shook him most unmercifully to his inexpressible mortification, and to the great delight of a multitude of by-standers.

In consequence of this, and numerous other almost equally daring outrages, we have been obliged to take effectual measures for our protection: the brotherhood have recently entered into a league defensive and inviolable. It is quite unnecessary to say that our institution, originating as it does, like most other associations among men, in the weakness of individuals, has for its grand object the security and safety of the whole: we are to guard each others reputations and persons, to assist each other in recovering from all ludicrous attitudes and dilemmas, and in misfortunes where nothing else can be done, we will drop the tear of sympathy and extend the hand of condolence.

At our first meeting, after having unanimously agreed to be designated by the name and title of the New-haven Dandy-Club, we proceeded to the adoption of a Constitution. I really wish I had the time to lay before you a few specimens of this happy and appropriate instrument of our confederation; but I must hasten to give you a sketch of the procedure of the Club in the important matter of choosing the first President. As the excellencies that naturally qualify for this birth are mostly of a corporeal kind, and as these are tangible and easily ascertainable; we were of course freed from the difficulties and perplexities attendant upon estimating intellectual properties. Each too choose to present his own claims in proper person, and we were thus delivered from many modest round-about ceremonies, which serve only to consume time and delay business.

On the making of the motion to proceed to the choice of President, every eye flashed with unusual fire and intelligence, and each tongue instantaneously danced with a hitherto-unknown rapidity. To be frank, one could not help thinking of ancient Babel and its confusion. Each with all his might endeavoured to establish his own interest upon the best possible foundation, and to delineate in glowing colours the number and superiority of his own qualifications. One gentleman, urged the unrivalled slenderness of his waist in support of his pretensions, extending his hand at this moment and exhibiting a string equalling its circumference., Another spoke of the excellence of a long and small neck., A third gave the measurement of his hip, and dwelt with much fervour on the excellence of breadth in this particular., A fourth expatiated upon the elegance and splendour of his establishment, and, by way of confirmation, held up to view, and gracefully shook an enormous bunch of seals, keys and trinkets, which rang through the welkin like so many sheep-bells., A fifth endeavoured to make a happy display of the plumpness of his calves and other parts of his body., A sixth solemnly averred that he had for a long time had on his head hair enough to stuff two or three saddles; he also declared that his fingers did not, by actual measurement, equal a pipe-stem in thickness, though they much surpassed it in length and pearly whiteness: On these two perfections, “I”, said he, “cheerfully rest my pretensions.”

After this way the meeting proceeded until it was discovered that all the gentlemen had made out to prefer their claims, excepting one, who (as his appearance clearly indicated) was a conspicuous member of the fraternity. He had indeed been up and speaking incessantly from the very moment of the opening of the meeting; but had not even at this late hour been able to bring his words so far to a focus, as to state in clear and intelligible terms his reasons for thinking himself worthy of being elected. His unhappy predicament being perceived, a friend gifted with a little more precision and point, kindly offered to assist him. It was after a time made to appear that in this honourable gentleman were concentrated and happily combined, most of the qualities possessed by those, who had preceded him, that, in addition to this, he always went completely accoutred from head to foot, that his garments were always in the newest style and in the extremes of the fashion, having on at the very time a pair of Cossacks that contained an abundance of cloth for two petticoats and a short-gown., You may be sure that the discovery of this constellation of perfections set the audience agape, and most felt ashamed of having urged their lean qualifications. But what was peculiarly effectual in completely extinguishing every spark of envy in every bosom was this: it was clearly proved from various and respectable sources that the honourable gentleman had never during all his life been guilty of advancing a single idea in any company whatever, although one of the most loquacious of men, constantly talking without cessation or intermission. This was no sooner ascertained, than he was by every voice and without a dissenting murmur, declared the first President of the Club.

On being conducted to the chair, it was found that the space between the arms of it was not sufficient to admit His Excellency, accoutred as he was, in a first-rate fashionable pair of hippers: he was therefore obliged to take another seat. Then, smiling graciously upon the company and exhibiting thirty two as fine teeth as ever lips inclosed, he began an inaugural address, and proceeded a considerable time without uttering any thing that bore even a distant resemblance to thought. Some of the members, although highly delighted with these early pledges of his future usefulness, after a while began to yawn most horribly, and were, at last absolutely overpowered by bodily fatigue; for even we have the common infirmities of flesh and blood. At length, one took his departure, then another and another, and so on, till our worthy president was left, solus in solo, still rending the air with the most animated gestures, and in the most impassioned and unideal strains addressing the naked walls; and he may, for aught I know, even now be found thus engaged.

If endless loquacity unclogged by thought, be a peculiarity of the fraternity; surely our chief magistrate is well worthy of the first place within its gift.

Your old friend,

Concinnus.

* “Calzes’-head-jelly.”, Ed.

Quoted from: The Microscope. April 25, 1820.